PMS
by Kyla1
Summary: erm, can't really be described! Just pure silliness about what really happens when Kathryn gets captures and 'tortured', btw Kathryn Janeway helped write it, unfortunately!


Kathryn Janeway sighed in irritation as she was yet again dragged down endless corridors in the arms of tough, smelly guards with no brains

Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me, please stop making me say that, pleeeeeeaaaaaase! Do you want me to beg? Ok please please please please…

Summary: Well I attempted to write a prison story, you know, you all must have read one where Kathryn's tortured until Chakotay rescues her. Anyway I started writing this story when surprise surprise I suddenly get a visit from a pissed off Captain Janeway demanding to re-write my story. At first I wouldn't let her but she is one scary woman when she gets going so I let her. Unfortunately she just would not shut up so her comments are everywhere I tried and tried to shut her up as you will see but she just would not let me. Anyway, I've managed to get her contained again now and she's been drugged and her coffee supply has been reduced. Unfortunately the mental effect she had on me will not fade for a while….coffee anyone?

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PMS

Hello I am Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Voyager, I've been reading all of your stories about me being thrown in prison and frankly I do not know what you're going on about, the prisons are not that bad! It's a nice little holiday actually. Anyway I've kidnapped a writer, Kylie I think her name is. 

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Er actually it's Kyla 

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Well whatever you're name is I've kidnapped you, and you're going to write my version of one of these stories.

**Do I get a choice? **

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…..No. 

Kathryn Janeway gasped in pain, 

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~*~ No look you're doing this wrong already, I no longer feel pain, I mean if you'd had those rubbish writers I had you'd get used to pain as well! Now do it properly

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Ok then Kathryn how about sighed in irritation? 

~*~ _Yes I like it, put it in, and get me some coffee while you're at it,_** ~*~ **

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~*~ Aye Captain…ok 

sighed in irritation as she was yet again dragged down endless corridors in the arms of tough, smelly guards with no brains. As they turned another corner she wondered about the twist of fate that meant she and her crew had to be captured at every opportunity. She went along kicking and screaming.

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~*~ I do not kick and scream!! Apart from when Neelix runs out of coffee but that's another matter,

~*~ **Look who's story is this? Ok you don't kick and scream, listen, why don't you just tell me exactly what you want putting down. **

~*~ _Ok then, so I don't kick and scream, I go along…_

quietly, she had grown bored of all the needless struggling. This was a scene that had grown tiresomely familiar. She and her chosen team of the month would be down on the planet, while Chakotay acted all important sitting up in the Captains chair whilst fretting about the noticeably absent Captain. Herself and the team would do the usual grocery shopping and getting pissed that came about on an away mission. Then, for no reason whatsoever, they would be captured and flung into prison. The away team would be thrown into a small little cell and worried frantically while she was dragged off and talked to by the ever so witty thing in charge, then after she had vehemently refused to talk she underwent mental and physical torture until she almost couldn't take anymore. This was when Chakotay, who had been frantically searching for her for days, would liberate them and spend the rest of his time trying to help a mentally disturbed Captain Janeway. 

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~*~ **and let's face it, she's mentally disturbed most the time, not that Chakotay helps that much**_,_

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~*~ _ Excuse me! _

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~*~ Sorry Kathryn, this is your story, I remember

At least that was what used to happen.

~*~ **Apart from the mentally disturbed bit, that's permanent,**

~*~ _I could go off you _

Now the whole procedure was getting slightly boring. Nothing new ever happened, before she had even stepped inside the prison Captain Janeway knew what it would look like, and the smell which was invariably the same no matter which prison you were in, and Captain Janeway had certainly been in a few. The team of the month were safely in their cell, B'ellana, Tuvok, Harry and Seven, and she was, yet again, being dragged down corridors. 

~*~ _Lot's of corridors, well let's face it, all of those prisons have one hell of a lot of corridors, and they don't even handy little signs, how do they know where they're going?_

"All right!" She snapped as she was manhandled round a corner, "I know which way to go thank you, it's not exactly bloody difficult." The guards didn't relent in their pace or rhythm as they strode along, Captain Janeway yawned, "Sorry I forgot, you're just the lackeys, I have to save my contempt for the big smelly one." 

~*~ _Nice one Kathryn , _

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~*~ Look will you just write already!

~*~ _Sorry (!) _

The guards exchanged looks, this was not what they'd expected. Usually the people they captured went along in a kind of petrified silence with firmly shut mouths. This one just seemed bored, as if she wanted them to hurry things up a little. Turning another corner they shoved Kathryn through a door.

"Mind the uniform!" She shouted, "I'm nearly out of replicator rations." She stopped still and was held by the guards, one on each arm. From the big chair came a sinister laugh.

"God, we are going for the melodramatics aren't we," Kathryn rolled her eyes. An ugly creature walked over.

"You would show me respect if you know what is good for you." The creature thrust his head into his face, Kathryn wrinkled her nose.

"And if you knew what was good for you you'd see a dentist, your breath stinks!" The creature snarled and opened his mouth to say something.

"Let me guess," Captain Janeway raised an eyebrow, "You want me to tell you the co-ordinates of my ship and all of it's technology otherwise you torture me almost to death, right?" The creature snarled again but nodded grudgingly. Kathryn laughed.

"I doubt you could break me honey, plenty of people have tried, and if you don't mind me saying, well you're hardly cut out for the job are you?" The creature spat at her.

"Shut up!" He screamed, "Guards, take her away to the torture rooms.!" The guards started to drag her off, Kathryn started to struggle a bit for show. Then she stopped dead, bringing the dull-witted guards to a standstill.

"Y'know what?" She said finally, "I am so sick of this feeble woman being tortured while waiting for the big brave commander to rescue her crap." With that she suddenly forced the guards together, they crashed into each other then fell with a thud to the ground, unconscious. Kathryn smiled satisfactorily, then advanced on the big smelly boss man. He came to meet her, obviously preparing for a fight he thought would be over in a few seconds, he was right. Kathryn stepped over his crumpled form and smiled.

~*~ **Kathryn, I refuse to believe that a woman of your age could beat up people that easily, **

~*~ _You know I have friends in the borg…_

"It's about time I stopped waiting for Chakotay to get up off his ass and come get me." She laughed and looked round as she walked out, and managed to walk straight into a wall. "Oh crap," She groaned, then she turned a corner. "Now where did I leave my team?"

***

"I spy with my little eye something beginning with…W." Harry finished triumphantly.

"Harry that's the tenth time you've tried to do walls," B'ellana groaned, Harry pouted.

"Well I'm bored," He yawned and stretched, "How long do you think they'll be torturing Captain Janeway?"

"Dunno," B'ellana answered indifferently, "Couple of hours I expect." Harry nodded

"Do you think we should worry?"

"Probly not, she's used to it, she told me the other day that it was actually getting to be quite boring." B'ellana slumped back against the wall and drummed her hand on the floor.

"How long do you suppose it will be until we're rescued," Harry asked as he tried to inscribe _Harry woz ere _on the wall.

"Judging by Chakotay's best time, about dinner time tomorrow." Harry wandered over to the front of the cell.

"How're you guys doing over there?" He called over to where Tuvok and Seven were sitting in the cell opposite him. 

"We are finding there is little activity to do." Tuvok answered.

"Yeah we're bored too." Harry nodded understandably. "Do you suppose Chakotay will actually get around to rescuing us anytime soon?"

"I find it illogical, commander Chakotay finds it difficult to organise rescue teams."

"That's true," B'ellana piped up, "Remember the time he sent them all to the moon after Tom had gone missing on the planet." 

"Yeah and he turned up in the ditch, I remember that!" Harry laughed then slumped back to the floor. "I spy…" A flash of light disturbed them and they looked up, where there used to be a normal brain dead guard standing there was now a slumped figure that didn't look all that healthy. Then the brilliant, heroic, drop dead gorgeous Captain Janeway stomped into view.

~*~ **I thought you said you wouldn't show off?**

~*~ _I lied _

"Never learn do they," She muttered as she yanked the gun from the dead mans hand. "Always make the cells the easiest things to find." She looked up at them all. "Hi everyone, I was bored of waiting around so I decided to get us out of here, you know what Chakotay's like at rescuing people." They all nodded understandably as Kathryn tried to decipher the lock system.

"Oh stuff it," She said after a while and fired in a few different directions, after a while of random firing she finally hit her target and the doors slid open. "There we go!" She seemed pleased as they all left their cells. "Right everyone, grab a weapon! Let's get out of here, and if anything moves, kill it, I'm not in the mood for being merciful." B'ellana caught up with her Captain as she strode purposefully ahead.

"Captain, is everything ok?" 

"PMS." Kathryn hissed out the side of her mouth,

~*~ _EXCUSE ME KYLA!! That was not PMS, that was bravery! _

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~*~ Oh come off it Kathryn, you so get PMS, you're like in permanent PMS syndrome! 

~*~ _I resent that _

B'ellana nodded understandingly.

Captain Janeway led her team as they bundled outside of the prison, leaving piles of dead smelly people behind them. Their weapons now useless they chucked them away. 

"Ok, let's just call up Voy…." A yell reverberated round the courtyard, Kathryn raised an eyebrow and turned around. "Oh crap," She sighed in exasperation as she watched hundreds of smelly brain-dead guards pile out of doors all around the concrete courtyard. 

"There's hundreds of them!" Harry stared wide eyed, then he wrinkled up his nose as the stink hit him, "Don't they have deodorant." He coughed, wiping his streaming eyes."

"Come on then." Kathryn yawned then started running in the opposite direction, the others behind her. As they legged it down the street Kathryn suddenly spotted something. "Ah hah! Everybody STOP!" She stopped dead, they didn't. Kathryn groaned from the bottom of the pile while Seven sat on the top with a confused look on her face and a raised eyebrow. Harry struggled out of somewhere in the middle and turned round, he managed to keep a straight face for all of five seconds before cracking up. 

"Harry will you stop rolling around on the floor and get Seven off of us!" A pissed off half kingon's voice sounded from somewhere underneath Tuvok. Harry quenched his laugh down to a helpless giggle and grabbed Seven's arm. As soon as she got off the rest of the pile collapsed leaving a bruised and battered Captain Janeway trying to struggle up off of the floor.

"Ow ow ow ow ow," She groaned and massaged her bruised ribs, "Now as I was saying, oh shit, run!" She suddenly turned and legged it,

~*~ _I do not 'leg it' I gracefully depart,_****

~*~ **I'm gonna gag you in a minute **

Harry, B'Elanna and Seven looked in the direction she had indicated and followed suit, leaving Tuvok standing with his eyebrows raised.

"I do not see the logic…" An irritated grunt caught his attention, he turned. The first thing to meet his eyes was a big smelly thing, and the next one hundred things to meet his eyes were also big smelly things. 

Tuvok caught up with the others five seconds later. They ran passed a vegetable stall and Kathryn yet again screeched to a halt.

"I have an idea!" 

~*~ _Yes, I am the… _

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~*~ Shut up 

She grabbed Tuvok's arm and pulled him behind the stall, shoving the confused stall owner out of the way. B'Elanna and Harry followed them, Seven just looked confusedly down at them.

"What…" Harry grabbed her arm and yanked her down. Kathryn peered over the top, she reached over and picked up a big melon type fruit, indicating to the others to do the same.

"Ready," She muttered as the smelly things grew closer. "Wait for it….now!" She heaved her fruit over the side with as much force as she could, the others looked at her and rolled their eyes before throwing their own fruits. Kathryn grinned as one of them hit a guard on the head, knocking him out cold. "Ha! Yes! We…" Her words were cut short as a tomato hit her in the face. "What the...?" She looked back over the side and raised her eyebrows as she noticed the smelly things taking over several market stalls. "Ok then, what do they expect….?" Something scarily familiar suddenly whizzed over her head, Harry paled.

"Captain, they've….they've got leola fruit!" 

~*~ _And god is that scary stuff, _

He gibbered in terror.

"The monsters!" B'Elanna glared at them in fury she breathed heavily as she felt her own PMS welling up inside her.

"Right that does it, throw anything, and team…." Kathryn's eyes narrowed, "Don't worry about the ripeness." 

Kathryn, Harry and B'Elanna immediately started chucking anything they could land their hands on, B'Elanna and Kathryn with a bit more anger than Harry. The two logical members of the group looked at them with raised eyebrows 

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~*~ they do that a lot don't they? I mean what is it about raised eyebrows? They could do lot's of things but it's always the raised eyebrows and… Oh great, Now Tuvok's glaring at me, sorry! 

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~*~ Ha ha you got glared at! Woah, you really are good at glaring aren't you? Ok, I'm sorry, I'll shut up 

Then an overripe plum hit Seven, the mush dribbling down her uniform, making her look even uglier and smelly so Chakotay hated her and never wanted to date her ever again and then she dies from overripe plum poisoning.

~*~ **Er Kathryn, What have you been writing while I was getting coffee?**

~*~ _Nothing important. _

The overripe plum hit Seven square in the face, she suddenly stopped and blinked.

"Captain, I am experiencing a strange emotion which is giving me the urge to scream and throw things."

"It's called PMS Seven, go with it!" Kathryn yelled as she flung everything that came to hand. Seven summed everything up for a moment before reaching for a tomato.

"Take that!!!" She screamed, flinging it at a near smelly thing. Harry looked at the three screaming women and backed away hurriedly.

"Tuvok, they're scaring me!" He gulped, "What should we do?" Tuvok thought then tapped his comm. badge. 

Kathryn, B'Elanna and Seven blinked in confusion as transporter room one suddenly appeared.

"Captain!" Kathryn suddenly found herself enveloped in a bear hug by her XO. "I was so worried." Chakotay finally let her go and put her on the floor. Kathryn looked round and caught B'Elanna's eye, she tried desperately not to burst into giggles but couldn't hide the muffled squeak. B'Elanna's face had gone red and even Seven looked flushed. 

"Excuse me!" Kathryn gasped, she took off down the corridor before anybody could say anything. 

~*~ _I already told you, I do not 'leg it' or 'take off'_

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~*~ Ok ok I get the picture. 

She gracefully departed down the corridor.

~*~ _That's better _

Before embarrassing herself with a very loud fart.

~*~ _What was that Kyla? _

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~*~ Nothing.

* * *

Kathryn sat in her quarters in a fresh uniform, her door chimed. 

~*~ _D'you know the doors don't actually chime as such, it sounds more like ba-doink,_****

~*~ Kathryn, what are you on? 

~*~ _I get bored up here! _

Her door ba-doinked. 

"Come," 

~*~ _I bet it's Chakotay _

"Kathryn are you all right?" Chakotay entered with a very badly concealed look of concern on his face. 

~*~ _Ha! I was right! I win! _

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~*~ No you don't, you told me to write it in the first place!

~*~ _Oh shut up. _

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you were captured and put in that prison." Chakotay moved towards her, "My gods Kathryn, you were tortured!!"  
"No I wasn't!"

"Then what's this?" Chakotay indicated her black eye, she felt it and frowned.

"Erm, Oh, I walked into a wall." Chakotay didn't exactly looked like he believed it.

"And this?" He poked her ribs, she winced.

"Tuvok sat on me and don't do that!" 

"Kathryn you don't have to pretend with me!" Chakotay shook his head sadly, "And what about those red stains on your uniform?"

"That was tomato from where we had the food fight with the smelly things."

"And you were hiding tears when you got back."

"I was trying not to laugh."

"Don't pretend with me Kathryn."

"It's the truth." 

"Of course it is Kathryn." Chakotay moved forwards and suddenly wrapped his arms around her, pinning her arms to her side. "You let yourself believe that, shhh now."

Kathryn sighed in irritation as Chakotay told her to 'let go', she stared round the room then grinned evilly as her gaze suddenly fell on the very full, very convenient bowl of slightly overripe fruit on her table. 

Fin

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Is that it??!! 

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What? 

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Don't I even get to shag him or something?

**No **

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What??!! I bet one of those other writers would let me shag him. 

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Well I'm not one of those nice writers, anyway if you want to shag him why don't you do it yourself? 

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Protocol, 

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Exactly, that's why you never get laid 

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No I don't give a flying ***k about protocol, it's those idiotic paramount dickheads, they NEVER let me shag him, I mean what is the point of giving me a very gorgeous, sexy first officer if I'm not even allowed to bonk him once in a while?

Well he is pretty gorgeous 

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HANDS OFF YOU….YOU…FANCFICTION ADDICT! 

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Hey! I told you, I'm getting help for that! 

I mean it was bad enough them putting him with that stupid blonde bimbo machine thing, oh and I happen to know for a fact that those things are NOT real! But I mean I have spent the last seven or so years gagging for a shag so they give me hologram. A hologram????!!!! I mean who would want a hologram? And his todger's tiny. 

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Calm down Kathryn! 

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No I will not calm down! I've had enough, all I want is to get LAID for chrissakes, I mean I make it sooo obvious but they still won't get the hint. 

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Kathryn, breathe, I think you've had way to much coffee, and please put down the fruit, you're scaring me now 

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I mean don't they understand what happens when they put a woman with one hell of a lot of hormones in space with a good looking man?? Do they even realise how close they are to a slow and painful death?? 

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Kathryn, I think it's time you go back into your ready room now, yeah that's right, in you go. No Kathryn you will not fire me into teeny tiny little pieces, Kathryn, Kathryn! Don't make me get rid of the coffee because you know I will. Ok people sorry about that, Kathryn's been locked up and they're administrating the drugs now. I promise not to unleash her again. (BTW. Kathryn and Chakotay do get it on, I just fancied teasing her, hehe!) Bye Bye ;-D ~*~


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